*Trigger Warning* Before continuing, please note, this post contains some emotional content and discussion of self-harm behaviour which can be a potential trigger
I went to the pharmacy with my mum yesterday, to collect my medication, and there it was, one of the biggest triggers for me at the moment…The razors and blades section. Walking away from it empty handed is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
Am I addicted to cutting myself? I also take too many pills from time to time. I punch, pull, hit, bite, slap, dig but I know that I’m not addicted to those. However, cutting, I can’t say for sure.
A few weeks ago I found myself in a similar spot; facing a huge variety of razors & blades, and that time I couldn’t fight it, I bought a pack. 99pence for a pack of four . That was all. As I was paying for it I found myself thinking “It’s cheaper than smoking”, as if that made it all okay. I felt safer just by the thought of having blades in my room; to know they were there, just in case. I even lied to myself “maybe this will help me to not cut myself as much, or even at all!” but it’s a lie I believed.
As you’ve probably guessed, that wasn’t the case. A few days later, I cut my arm, in many places, and I was back in the emergency department (A&E/ER), with some awful “doctor” asking “are you suicidal?” and trying to force me into staying in hospital. I hate going to the emergency department (A&E/ER), and the last thing I wanted was to hand my life over for some compassion-less, self righteous moron to take care of. Especially with my new found fear of being an inpatient.