*Trigger Warning* Before continuing, please note, this post contains some emotional content and discussion of suicidal ideation and self-harm behaviour which can be a potential trigger
I’m having a shit few weeks.
Hence why I haven’t posted in a while.
It’s been a series of difficult events and emotions so intense that I would rather cut myself and attempt to rip my skin off than sit with them.
I’ve tried to write many times in these past two months, but I just haven’t been able to put together words that made much sense. I’ve tried and failed to write not only blog posts but also in response to dear friends, and about my condition in application forms (I’m trying to get financial help to pay for private treatment). I’ve even tried and failed to write my own suicide note; “Dear loved ones, I’m sorry I can’t even bring myself together long enough to write a nice last note from me to you, but well I’m sure you’re not surprised…”. I feel like I really suck at life at the moment.
It’s painful, I hate this. Who wouldn’t?! A voice in my head mocks me and calls me ‘flaky’ every time I fail to do something I actually want to do (which is every day). Even though I tell myself not to listen to her, I can’t help it; I fall for her words, I believe them.