*Trigger Warning* Before continuing, please note, this post contains some emotional content as well as discussions of self-harm and suicide attempt which can be a potential trigger
I think this might be quite a raw post. I’m not sure how else to describe it, but I am experiencing intense emotions right now, I’m having suicidal ideation and my mean voices are having a party in my head saying things like: “haha we told you you’re a burden, you imbecile”, “you’re such a waste of space, what is the point of you? You’re a vegetable, you do nothing, you’re worth nothing, you take up too much space in other people’s lives, in your house, in the world. Too much. You need to shrink yourself down to nothing, so that others may be happy and free from your burden.” That is actually what my mean male voice is saying right now. I’m struggling to write this as he is getting louder and louder, and the louder he gets, the more I get my words mumbled; the more spelling mistakes I make. But I am set on getting this down in black & white. The waves are coming in and I’m still learning how to surf, but I am going to write this, I’m going to do it. You are not going to stop me this time. I’ve had enough
I won’t let you kill me. That’s where it will end, if I keep giving in to you or letting your words become my reality; that’s where I will end. In a lovely graveyard, looking down at my lifeless self wishing I had fought for me, for my life.
I have three voices, I’m not sure if I have told you about them before in detail, so I’ll do a quick summary. There is a mean male voice, a mean female voice and then there is a vulnerable child voice. I see this voice as a little girl, locked in a birdcage. She’s very vulnerable. The woman voice is either cruel and mean on her own, or she follows and does whatever the male says, and he (the fucker) is always extremely cruel. Many times I have cut myself so deep, as far as to need a large number of stitches, simply because he told me to. I was emotional to begin with, but he takes advantage of me when I’m like that; he then takes over LOUDLY and aggressively and orders me to do awful things to myself.